Quintin Jardine's blog

Life is livelier all of a sudden. Mia and her folks arrived last night, at Newcastle Airport. She’s ten months old now, and into everything.  Pretty soon she’ll surprise us all by putting one foot in front of the other, and then the fun will really begin. Took her for her first walk round Gullane this morning. True to form she was asleep before we’d gone ten yards, and  woke up just as we got back home.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A few weeks ago I posted news of a reworking .. . a director’s cut, to use the movie term . . . of the first Oz novel, Blackstone’s Pursuits, that I’d published as an eBook on the Amazon.com Kindle store, accessible by US readers only . Well, thanks to the launch of the Amazon.de Kindle outlet, it’s now available there also, and as far as I can see, Brits can access that. Same with my other private publication ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’, which seems to be growing more popular by the month.

Another Loner fan; great. But don’t blame me for your old man’s insomnia. By the way, The Loner is as its title suggests, a standalone novel, not part of a series. That said, I like the guy, so you may not have seen the last of him. I have one idea that I’m kicking around in my head.

Thanks for that. I’m glad you enjoyed The Loner. I’ve been getting a lot of positive feedback since it was published.

I am truly fine, thanks. I’ve been busy feeding the machine. I hope your pal’s ankle has healed, but not too quickly; she has some books to get through yet.

The next Primavera is due out next January. Title, ‘As Easy as Murder’. I’m just about to start the next one, by killing a major character.

Thanks Patricia. In which part of Minnesota do you live? Been there, Minneapolis, to be specific.

Thanks for that; I hope it ain’t too hot in Athens. We’re talking to some Greek publishers even now.

If anyone finds this offensive I apologise; blame my friend Leon.

A UK policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.

“What’s the situation?”

“A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof.”

“You can’t say that over the radio” replies the operator, “you have to use the politically correct terminology.”

So where have I been for the last month or so? Simple answer; knocking my pan out finishing Skinner 22, plus spending some time on the road promoting The Loner. Thanks to everyone who turned out at the various events and signings. I may see you again before too long.

At this moment I’m sitting in Gullane awaiting the call to head for Newcastle Airport, to pick up the Golden Family off the Girona flight. It’ll be our Mia’s first flight, aged ten months. When I was her age there were no bloody aeroplanes!