Archive
On the beach
NIce day yesterday; 1200 words on the new book, a snooze in the sun, then picked up La Mia from summer school and went to the beach. Today’s plan is much the same, but we’ll go to a different beach. Montgo is just too crowded at this time of year.
Doc
I’ve been saying for years that Peter Capaldi would be one of my top choices to play Bob Skinner on screen. Now he’s been announced as the next Doctor Who, I’m thinking; too bad I don’t write sci-fi.
Really?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-22885969
This makes me glad I gave up eating red meat some time ago.
Music while I work
Cool choice this morning, dug out from the back of the library. A Case of You, by Herbie Hancock. Download it if you dare.
Alcatraz
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-latin-america-23558360
Prisons run by inmates? In principle, that seems like a good idea. I always thought that Escape from New York was a blueprint for the future, rather than just a movie.
Simples?
In the aftermath of all the political crap about the venue for last week’s Open Championship, there is another example of blatant sexism that Harriet Harman should be raising as a matter of urgency.
Why are there no female meerkats on http://www.comparethemeerkats.com?!?
House of ill repute?
This morning’s Herald newspaper is running a story about a series of raids on sauna premises in Edinburgh, in which customers and employees were taken on to the street and questioned, in public. It’s called Operation Windermere, apparently. It’s surely no coincidence that we are seeing this soon after the formation of the new Police Scotland, or Greater Strathclyde as I prefer to call it, through which policing policy across the nation is being laid down by a man in Glasgow, who arrived in Scotland in 2007, after a 26-year career in various English forces, including the Met. In other words a man with no experience whatsoever of on the ground policing in Scotland.
In the light of what would appear to be a cunning plan to drive prostitution in Edinburgh back on to the streets, I wonder what other surprises Sir Stephen House has in store for us.
Biblical
This has been an odd year weather-wise. Last week we were almost fried on the golf course; last night, in Gullane, we had a storm of Mediterranean proportions. The rain was so heavy that it wiped out the Sky satellite signal for a while, and almost overwhelmed the drains. What’s next? Raining frogs?
What’s in a name?
So it’s a boy. Congratulations to the young Duke and Duchess, who have done it their way all along. Will that continue when it comes to names? Probably not. Charles, Philip, George are all strong possibles I’m sure, but given that the princeling can have as many names as they choose, wouldn’t it be nice if they slipped in a Ryan, or a Zak. or a Jake?
Quote of the day
‘Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.’
Jules Renard
Like that one, Mike?
Quote of the day
‘The best time for planning a book is while you’re doing the dishes.’
Agatha Christie
I wouldn’t know about that, but this I concede; that Agatha, she never got above herself. This too; she must have had a large family.
You get all 25, you may be a sad git
Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”
6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
No way to run a railroad
We’re sneaking in an extra couple of weeks in Spain early August. We are flying from Newcastle to Girona, so I’ve just booked return train tickets, Dunbar to Newcastle. The cost was £32, return, each. I also booked one-way tickets, Dunbar to Newcastle, for a later August date. They cost £6 each. I know from recent experience that the walk-up one way fare from Newcastle to Edinburgh, virtually the same journey, is £47.
The same people who privatised the railways are now going to do the same to Royal Mail. God help us.
The perils of social meeja
I do Facebook mainly because the marketing people at Headline want me to, but there are times when I wonder whether it’s worth it. Yesterday was one of those days.
My (real life) friend Michael Robotham posted a funny about the potential aftermath in London of Andy Murray’s win. Shortly afterwards this drew a comment from a woman who chose to insult my nation by labelling us xenophobic. I should have known better, but I got involved. When I attempted to correct her . . . gently, I thought . . . she then insulted me, by calling me a bigot. Shortly after that, her posts were deleted; by her or by someone else, I know not. I haven’t forgotten, though. I have blocked the lady on both Facebook and Twitter, and if she ever shows up on this blog, I’ll block her here also. Why have I done this? For her own good.
For the record, I do not believe I am a bigot. I was brought up surrounded by bigotry, in a part of Scotland where it was all too common, and I loathe and detest it in all its forms.
Let-down
Just when we thought it was safe to clean the garden paving, the pressure washer goes silent on us. It’s all a lot of Bosch really!
Prophetic
By the way, on July 1, I posted the following:
‘One small distraction from the work routine. Eileen and I are bidden to the Royal Garden Party in the Palace of Holyroodhouse, tomorrow, 4pm to 6pm. It’s bound to rain.’
I was right; it did, in great big constant lumps. Her Majesty was there but like most of the 3,000, we couldn’t see her for the forest of umbrellas. However I did bump into an old colleague, Mr Sandy Sutherland. Good to see you, chum. How has ageing managed to pass you by?
QJ in the lion’s den
At the weekend I was a guest at a private function in England, and found myself at a table with some very nice people, none of whom I’d ever met before. It seems that you can’t be Scottish in England just now without the referendum question coming up. My mind has been made up since I was 17 years old, and I never apologise for my stance. Yet I was surprised to realise, if my lunch companions were an accurate reflection of the broader view down south, as I believe they are, that there is a strong feeling of disquiet about the 2014 vote, and about the fact that it’s happening at all. I’m not sure what’s behind it. They know nothing of our history or the issues, so why the negativity? Is it resentment that we should even consider leaving Westminster and resuming the full nation status that we had before the Union of the Parliaments in 1707, (one highly intelligent professional man on Saturday had never heard of that event) or is it fear of the consequences for England? One thing it is not based on, and that is any love of the Scots. One of my companions remarked . . . pleasantly I must say . . . ‘If they asked the English to vote on it we’d all say Yes’, and I don’t doubt that is the truth . . . one that will have been underlined, I suspect, by Alex Salmond waving the Saltire in the Royal Box at Wimbledon yesterday.
I was asked how I thought the referendum will turn out. I said I believe that if it was held tomorrow there would be a No vote, but that next year, I expect the position to have changed.
My resolve hasn’t been weakened by Saturday’s civilised discussion; in fact it has been strengthened. As I’m coming to see it, the majority would probably be happy to kick us out of the Union, but they don’t want us to take that decision for ourselves. I believe that the more that English sentiment is known the stronger the Yes camp will become.
The Devonport
On Friday I went back thirty years in time. That’s how long it is since I last visited a hotel called the Devonport, in an appropriately-named hamlet called Middleton One Row, just outside Darlington. Needing an overnight stop in that area, and having had some good times there, I booked us in, wondering how much it woud have changed over the years. The answer turned out to be ‘very little’. It’s under different management, but it remains a comfortable, welcoming place, with an excellent kitchen, a well-stocked bar, and a host who can’t do enough to make his clients feel at home.
Thanks, Anthony.
Quote of the day
I have made this letter longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter.
Blaise Pascal
He should have been a copy editor; maybe he was. Have to say, I much prefer his descendant, Lorraine.
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