Quintin Jardine's blog

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that – 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection… but she did.

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Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

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Paddy says “Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”

“Blow that” says Mick – “have you seen how many of their owners go blind”

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My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid…….then I was petrified.

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What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

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I was explaining to my husband last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

He said “I would like to come back as a pig.”

I said “You’re obviously not listening.”

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Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it’s been eaten.

It’s called a wedding cake.

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I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said “I love you.” She said “Is that you or the beer talking?”

I replied “It’s me talking to the beer.”

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The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I have been down to Red Cross to get all her clothes back.