Quintin Jardine's blog

Life is livelier all of a sudden. Mia and her folks arrived last night, at Newcastle Airport. She’s ten months old now, and into everything.  Pretty soon she’ll surprise us all by putting one foot in front of the other, and then the fun will really begin. Took her for her first walk round Gullane this morning. True to form she was asleep before we’d gone ten yards, and  woke up just as we got back home.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.” The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels . The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A few weeks ago I posted news of a reworking .. . a director’s cut, to use the movie term . . . of the first Oz novel, Blackstone’s Pursuits, that I’d published as an eBook on the Amazon.com Kindle store, accessible by US readers only . Well, thanks to the launch of the Amazon.de Kindle outlet, it’s now available there also, and as far as I can see, Brits can access that. Same with my other private publication ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’, which seems to be growing more popular by the month.

Another Loner fan; great. But don’t blame me for your old man’s insomnia. By the way, The Loner is as its title suggests, a standalone novel, not part of a series. That said, I like the guy, so you may not have seen the last of him. I have one idea that I’m kicking around in my head.

Thanks for that. I’m glad you enjoyed The Loner. I’ve been getting a lot of positive feedback since it was published.

I am truly fine, thanks. I’ve been busy feeding the machine. I hope your pal’s ankle has healed, but not too quickly; she has some books to get through yet.

The next Primavera is due out next January. Title, ‘As Easy as Murder’. I’m just about to start the next one, by killing a major character.

Thanks Patricia. In which part of Minnesota do you live? Been there, Minneapolis, to be specific.

Thanks for that; I hope it ain’t too hot in Athens. We’re talking to some Greek publishers even now.

If anyone finds this offensive I apologise; blame my friend Leon.

A UK policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car. He radios for backup.

“What’s the situation?”

“A big fat black bloke is dancing on a car roof.”

“You can’t say that over the radio” replies the operator, “you have to use the politically correct terminology.”

So where have I been for the last month or so? Simple answer; knocking my pan out finishing Skinner 22, plus spending some time on the road promoting The Loner. Thanks to everyone who turned out at the various events and signings. I may see you again before too long.

At this moment I’m sitting in Gullane awaiting the call to head for Newcastle Airport, to pick up the Golden Family off the Girona flight. It’ll be our Mia’s first flight, aged ten months. When I was her age there were no bloody aeroplanes!

I know that security staff at major airports have a difficult job in the current climate, and  that most do it well. But surely there’s no need to send the rest, a significant minority, to rudeness school as part of their training, as they seem to do in London. A busy day at the Orwellian Terminal 5 at Heathrow, where the rules are set by Big Brother British Airways, is a grim travel experience, with unsmiling staff shouting at people (who are effectively their employers) all the way through the process, with all the grace and charm of those who loaded the trains to Belsen. Now the tendency seems to have spread to London City Airport. A chum of mine passed through its portals yesterday. He  was walking with a stick, having recently undergone a hip replacement. As frequent flyers will know, practices vary from place to place. Yesterday was ‘Shoes off’ day at London City. My friend managed to remove his, but since his mobility is still limited he wasn’t able to bend to pick them up to put them in the security man’s tray, as required. The guy offered no understanding, no sympathy and no assistance. Eventually **** managed to hook them with his stick and transfer them that way, and was allowed to proceed.

My point being, he shouldn’t have had to. The security process is as difficult for the sheep as it is for the shepherds, and made much more so by prison guard attitudes. I’m not damning everyone but there are plenty of that type around, and they always stand out. However difficult the job, if a person cannot, or worse simply will not attempt to do it with courtesy, he should be removed and the opportunity given to one of the many people out there who would love to have it.

When was the last time that Scottish golfers won on the same weekend on the European and PGA tours? You do the research, but I’ll guess ‘never’. Yes, a few hours after Paul Lawrie’s impressive win in Andalusia, Martin Laird, of Hilton Park GC, Glasgow, won the Arnold Palmer invitational at Bay Hill, and received the trophy from the great man himself. Maybe we’ll hear a little less now about the decline of Scottish golf.

Well done Paul Lawrie, back on top of  the podium after nine winless years on the European Golf Tour, aged 40+. Maybe I shouldn’t have chucked the football so soon. Must think about that, Fraser.

I must now go and fill in my census form. Many people wonder why we do it in such detail. As my friend Lord Foulkes suggested many many years ago, when a Lothian Region official admitted that he didn’t know how many people his department employed, why don’t we just line them up and count them?

Attractive as that idea may be, the census is a useful tool. I’ve learned quite a lot about a great-grandfather, and my paternal grandfather from the 1891 and 1901 censuses, which are now available for search on line. 1911 will be released next week, and I’ll be checking that too. I’ll find my dad on that one, but I’ll need to hang around until 2021 for my mother to make an appearance.

I’m on my travels from Thursday doing a few events to coincide with publication of The Loner, the new QJ standalone novel that’s currently racking up pre-orders for signed copies in Campbell Read Books. (See link on the right.) Click the ‘Events’ tag above to see where I’ll be, and when.

Check out the tag ‘Events’ at the top of the page. You may find a signing there that’s more convenient.

Has Oz really been in the shower all tis time? Now who would believe that?

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. 

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant nowhere near where we live, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange.

When the commis-waiter brought our water and utensils, I saw that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. 

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ‘Why the spoon?’ 

‘Well, ‘he explained, ‘the restaurant’s owner hired Accenture Consulting to revamp all of our processes.  After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.’ 

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ‘I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.’ I was impressed. 

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. 

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ‘Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?’ 

‘Oh, certainly!’ Then he lowered his voice.  ‘Not everyone is so observant.  That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. 
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.’ 

I asked quietly, ‘After you get it out, how do you put it back?’ 

‘Well,’ he whispered, ‘I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.’

I am not the biggest Ricky Ponting fan in the world; he doesn’t have the seniority to be a Grumpy Old Man, yet that’s how he’s been behaving recently. Nonetheless, having read some of the stick he’s taking just now in his homeland, I have to say to his critics, that they are a shower of ungrateful whingers. Most of the success your team has had since Warne and McGrath slipped into their dotage and then retired has been down to him. You won’t know what you’ve got till he’s gone.  From what I’ve read, if I was an Aussie I’d want rid of the man Hilditch, pronto. I remember him as a player, he was a notorious hooker and Ian Botham’s face lit up like a Christmas tree whenever he saw him walk out to bat.