Quintin Jardine's blog

There is nothing new about ‘media moguls’. They’ve been around in various shapes and sizes for 300 years since Addison and Steele. However as time passes, they seem to be growing uglier. Okay, Richard Desmond has pursued a strange but determined path to the top and might be counted as a UK business hero, but his success was founded on a range of publications with titles such as Horny Housewives, Asian Babes, and The Very Best of MegaBoobs. Same with the like-minded David Sullivan, founder of the Daily Sport and Sunday Sport. Conrad Black, of whom the less said the better, has been and is gone. Top of the heap, of course, there stands Rupert Murdoch, the Dirty Digger, the man who built NewsCorp, the man whose support seems to be essential to any UK political party with aspirations to govern. Murdoch’s power is unhealthy and his use of it is ruthless, but nobody has ever been brave enough to try to curb it . . . until now.

I don’t subscribe to Newscorp’s flagship the Times but if I did I wouldn’t expect to find this story from this morning’s Telegraph reported in any detail there.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/newsbysector/mediatechnologyandtelecoms/media/8389396/News-Corps-415m-Shine-buy-was-rampant-nepotism.html

Take a look.

Recently I’ve had complaints from two American friends that when they tried to buy my books on the US Kindle store they were being redirected to the UK store, which can’t sell to US customers. I took it up with Amazon and this is the response I received. Anyone who takes this route, please let me know if it helps.

‘Regarding your inquiry about  US customers getting redirected to UK Kindle store while purchasing your book in our US Kindle Store, we suggest that you ask them to contact our Customer Support department at the below numbers.

— U.S. and Canada: 1-866-216-1072
— International: 1-206-266-2992

They will be able to help your customers in fixing this issue.

I hope this helps. If there’s anything else we can do to help you, please write to us at kdp-support@amazon.com.’

When I was a kid I lived next door to a public park. My pals and I played football there in the winter, and in the summer we played cricket, under the watchful eye of a benevolent ranger who could have banned us if he chose. The wicket was 22 paces long, (when you’re nine years old that’s not a lot) and we had all the gear, stumps, bails, a leather ball, and pads. (One boy learned the hard way that there is a right and left, even though they look the same; the buckles always go on the outside.) We played every day we could and we never got tired.

However all we had to do when the game was over was walk home.

The England cricket team, on  the other hand, have been on the road, with only a few days break, for months on end. They play under a different type of pressure. I’ve just finished Marcus Trescothick’s book, which tells the story of his emotional collapse under the pressure of touring, and that ain’t funny. As I write they are playing West Indies in a game that may determine whether or not they can go home, covered in the shit and derision that will be thrown at them for first-stage failure by their media, which seems to consist almost entirely of ex-players who didn’t do any better in their own day, or stay on to face fresher, stronger sides as their own exhaustion levels rise. Physically, they will give of their best as always I’m sure. Mentally?

In recent years England have become good at winning Test series against Australia, three out of the last four. (That said, if you add up the matches won and loss in all those series it doesn’t look quite do good.) Against the rest of the world, and in other forms of cricket, they’re mediocre. That isn’t going to change until they ditch the Aussie obsession and until their managers put realistic scheduling before money.

As many people know I have family in Japan. I am happy to say that they live well away from the tsunami region and have not been touched by it, but that doesn’t stop me grieving over what’s happening in their country. As if the earthquake and its consequences weren’t enough, the Fukushima crisis is a nightmare, not last because nobody seems certain of what the worst case scenario is.

The day has finally come. After an abortive attempt last year following a certain birthday, finally and irrevocably, QJ has quit the Thursday night fives. The end of his 35 year career was announced in an email to certain colleagues and confirmed by his subsequent withdrawal of his name from the Thursday Legends web page.

Speaking later at a specially convened media conference, QJ said, ‘It’s taken them a while, but at long last my team-mates have  persuaded me that it’s time to hang up my day-glo Barcelona away strip, my Motherwell FC socks, and my truss. Their tactics of constantly changing the venue without telling me, or locking me in the changing rooms just before kick-off have finally paid off. Of course there will be tears: my wife will be deeply upset when she learns I will no longer be out of her hair every Thursday evening. But she’ll have to get over it, just as I will.’

Legends manager Bruce Millar, has refused to confirm or deny reports that Motherwell FC had been invited to face his side in a testimonial match for the now retired veteran, to be played in the car park of the Mallard Hotel, Gullane, or if that is unavailable, in a nearby bus shelter.

Poignantly, there appeared for sale on eBay this evening a pair of lightly raced Adidas Samba football shoes, size 10.

My first library event of the year last night, in the new Loch Leven community library, Kinross. My thanks to Alastair for his excellent organisation, to Kelman, for his invitation to the rugby club which regrettably I couldn’t accept as I was on a curfew, to Ailsa Smith, for her kind message afterwards, to Mr and Mrs Garden, (Gullane’s great loss is Kinross’s gain) and to everyone else who came out on a dodgy evening to give me such an enjoyable time. Hope yours was too.

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, ‘What is this, Father?’ The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’ While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son….. ‘Go get your Mother’

A 21-year-old Glasgow girl tells her Mammy that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to SemiChem and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting and crying, the mother says, “Who was the effin’ pig that did this to you?  I want tae know!”  Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.  Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house.  A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and wearing a Crombie coat and a Rolex steps out and comes inside.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, “Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami, and a $1,000,000 bank account.”

“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewelry stores and a $25,000,000 bank account.”

“However, if there is a miscarriage, I’m not sure what to do.  What do you suggest?”

All silent at this point, the mother, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “Yis’ll try again.”

Okay, it’s published. Dangerous Pursuits, the expanded, reworked, improved, darker version of Blackstone’s Pursuits is now available on the Amazon US Kindle store. In theory, that is, because Amazon seems to have managed to screw up international access to its Kindle outputs. I understand why this should be, since publishers’ territorial rights may differ from book to book, but there are anomalies. For example, I’m still trying to determine whether or not all my other titles are available in Kindle form in the US. Amazon say they are, but a couple of people have told me recently that’s no longer the case. Additional guidance from the US would be welcome. And from the rest of the world, for that matter; for example, where do Australians and New Zealanders Kindle-shop, in the UK or US store?

My first gig of the year this evening. We’re off to Kinross Library, to entertain however many people brave what the forecasters say is likely to be a lousy night. Thanks in advance to those who do, and my understanding to those who don’t. (Please note also: it’s a Champions’ League night and Man U are playing.)

With another couple of million viewers, I made it all the way to the end of Outcasts on BBC1 last night. It kept me watching so it couldn’t have been that bad, but I can’t recall a drama production that was so riddled with anomalies and unanswered questions. We don’t know who was in the space-ship that was coming in to land as the series ended. (Captain Jack Harkness?)We still don’t know whether Stella and Lily forged a renewed mother-daughter bond. We still don’t know how mankind managed to achieve  capability of interstellar flight and full-scale genetically engineered human cloning all within a period of twenty years from now, as the rule of law fell apart all around it. We still don’t know where the ACs shopped for clothes, or whether any of them other than Rudi the leader could actually speak. We still don’t know what the **** the evil Julius was constantly smiling about.

And yet . . . call me perverse, but I still find myself hoping that there will be a second series, if only to annoy the dick-head, smart-arse TV columnist in this morning’s on-line Guardian who managed to  post a trite, sarcastic review of the final episode five minutes before it ended. By the way, if any of the idiots who have so far commented on his blog switch their attention to mine, I will send Jack and his XPs to hunt them down and kill them.

No, Dangerous Pursuits won’t/can’t be available anywhere other than the Amazon US Kindle Store, and maybe on other American ebook outlets, until Headline get around to publishing it. As I said, it’s a reworking . . . call it ‘director’s cut’ . . . of Blackstone’s Pursuits, which is still in print. I could argue that it’s now a completely different work, but I don’t plan to do so. Thanks for the tip about Kobo readers in Oz. I’m glad to hear that.

Further to the Amazon problem, I’m trying something just to test it out. I’m in the process of publishing privately a book called Dangerous Pursuits. It’s an expanded and reworked version of the first Oz mystery Blackstone’s Pursuits, and in its new form it’s an even more satisfying read, IMHO. Thing is, I hold US rights to my titles, so I can do this without infringing any existing contracts. In the listing I’ve put up I’ve specified US market only, so in theory it should be accessible to American readers, but not in the UK Kindle store. Look for it to be up in the next 24 hours.

Meantime, I’d be grateful for any further feedback my friends can give me on the issue. If it’s a problem for me, it could be a problem for others.

I’ve been advised by two American readers that they’re having difficulty accessing Amazon Kindle versions of my work. I’m being told that when they try to make a purchase they’re being re-routed to the Kindle UK store, and that Amazon.co.uk will not accept American registered credit cards. If that’s the case, and my own investigations make it seem likely, that’s a major annoyance to me as well as to potential readers. My own records indicate that the titles I’ve published privately on the Kindle platform are still selling, but I’ve asked my publisher to investigate the rest. When I know more I’ll post what I’m told.

A few days ago, it occurred to me that I hadn’t heard anything of Kate Bush for a while. So I bought a CD called Aerial and now I know why.

Things you never imagined. Over the last three years, police forces in the UK have paid out £770,000 to people bitten by their dogs. There’s never been a dog in a Skinner book, but if there is, he’ll be well behaved, I promise.

Excellent lunch yesterday with a group of chums in Edinburgh. Only one of us was under sixty, but I thought he stayed the course pretty well, all things considered.

Shocking news this morning from Japan, the land of my daughter-in-law’s birth; an offshore earthquake so big it’s having repercussions throughout the region. Christchurch and now this; is the planet trying to tell us something?

Nice evening with the ever youthful Jack and Brenda to see them off on their latest adventure; a trip to meet up with their globe-trotting daughter in Cambodia. God speed.

How about that? Mario Balotelli, of Man City, the man who, according to Jose Mourinho, is still trying to find his second brain cell, is allergic to grass. Fifty grand a week or whatever and he’s allergic to grass.